Hashtag deep, hashtag feelings

I hate to say it, but I’m not at a very good place right now. As I slowly make the scary but inevitable transition into adulthood, I have to find a way to merge the me I see as a student for the last twenty or so years of my life, with this new role as a full-time adult with a full-time job. I thought I’ve built up my self-esteem to a point where it was solid and unshakeable and I’ve convinced myself that I was done with being insecure about my capabilities as well as who I am as a person, but I’m learning to see that maybe that’s a feeling that you can never really get rid off completely.

While I like my job, being on contract puts me on shaky ground and I start questioning every single thing that I do. Am I doing enough? Am I making a difference? Could they do without me? My boss has brought up converting me to full-time and I’m always included in conversations concerning the future of the team but there’s always this nagging doubt that one wrong move could easily turn that around. I want to get comfortable but at the same time, I get so anxious and afraid. It’s…not the best feeling. It’s a little reminiscent of when I first started university and I was just plagued with so much self-doubt, being surrounded by peers who were so good at what they were doing that it made me feel like I didn’t belong.

Thankfully, I met up with a good friend on Friday and I’m just really, really grateful to have someone like her on my side. I laid out all my insecurities and self-doubt for her to see and it probably wasn’t a pretty sight. But she’s one of the realest I know and she talked me through a lot of it. I guess when it comes down to it, I’m a little hard on myself and I tend to overthink things. It’s an uphill battle trying to overcome this anxiety, but I’m a firm believer that everything gets better with time. Sometimes if I’m facing a particularly difficult situation, I’d give myself a little pep talk and say, “It feels like the hardest thing in the world right now but think about how in an hour’s time, a week’s time, a year’s time, you’d look back on this moment and think that it was nothing at all.”

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