Yay! Unemployment!

Happy 2017! *dusts away cobwebs from the skeletal body of my dying blog*

I’ve been contemplating really seriously about shutting down this blog and closing this chapter of my life forever. And maybe perhaps starting anew somewhere else. I don’t know yet. I guess suddenly finding yourself jobless really changes you as a person. Goodbye my only source of income, hello waking up at 12 in the afternoon and eating breakfast at 3 while society judges you (don’t tell me what to do, mum!!). While it’s understandable circumstances that’s led me to this very point, it’s sort of lit a fire under my ass and made me want to do better. To own this. 7 years of Mass Comm’s got to count for something right?

And so, I’ve updated my resume, started bookmarking jobs like nobody’s business (I’ll get to them all by this week, I swear), thought up ideas for a creative print portfolio, and hopefully 2017 will be the year the gods finally take pity on me and.. No! You know what, I can’t keep thinking that way. I’ve got skills right? I can write. I’ve got ideas. I’ve got LOTS of potential just waiting to be tapped. Any employer would be so lucky to have me. That’s it, *positive thinking*. Something I have to admit I’m really thankful for though, is the knowledge that my previous contract wasn’t extended, not because of anything I had or hadn’t done. (You hear that, future employers??) It’s something that I could in no way have prevented. So there’s that, at least. It’s also comforting that my direct supervisor fought so hard to keep me, even if his efforts turned out to be all in vain. I mean, if the big boss suddenly changes his mind and decides he wants someone way more experienced, well what can you do right? All I can really do is pick myself back up, go back out on the hunt, and gain that ~~*~experience~*~~ everyone talks so much about.

Unemployment aside, what’s happened in the last couple of days: I turned 24 and I’ve been questioning myself, is this what I want my legacy to be as a blogger (I still feel uncomfortable calling myself a writer, it’s like saying that every person who can string sentences together is a writer, every person who paints is a painter, every person who can play a song on the guitar is a musician, you get the point… Actually does blogging once every 3 or 4 months even make me a blogger..idk)? Point is, I need to find my own voice!! And that’s why I’m considering starting a separate blog (see how we’re coming full circle here), title to-be-confirmed. I just want to start everything afresh and have a blog that I’m proud to show people, a space that I can confidently say, yes this is the Justine I want to put forth, this! is a true reflection of my thoughts! my identity! Not this chaotic mess of ramblings about life, reality TV or whatever cute famous boy I’m currently crushing on. Not that there’s anything wrong with what I’ve been writing about. They’re true to the me that was then, but the me that is now, is at a different place… from then. Yeah, I can be deep.

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Hashtag deep, hashtag feelings

I hate to say it, but I’m not at a very good place right now. As I slowly make the scary but inevitable transition into adulthood, I have to find a way to merge the me I see as a student for the last twenty or so years of my life, with this new role as a full-time adult with a full-time job. I thought I’ve built up my self-esteem to a point where it was solid and unshakeable and I’ve convinced myself that I was done with being insecure about my capabilities as well as who I am as a person, but I’m learning to see that maybe that’s a feeling that you can never really get rid off completely.

While I like my job, being on contract puts me on shaky ground and I start questioning every single thing that I do. Am I doing enough? Am I making a difference? Could they do without me? My boss has brought up converting me to full-time and I’m always included in conversations concerning the future of the team but there’s always this nagging doubt that one wrong move could easily turn that around. I want to get comfortable but at the same time, I get so anxious and afraid. It’s…not the best feeling. It’s a little reminiscent of when I first started university and I was just plagued with so much self-doubt, being surrounded by peers who were so good at what they were doing that it made me feel like I didn’t belong.

Thankfully, I met up with a good friend on Friday and I’m just really, really grateful to have someone like her on my side. I laid out all my insecurities and self-doubt for her to see and it probably wasn’t a pretty sight. But she’s one of the realest I know and she talked me through a lot of it. I guess when it comes down to it, I’m a little hard on myself and I tend to overthink things. It’s an uphill battle trying to overcome this anxiety, but I’m a firm believer that everything gets better with time. Sometimes if I’m facing a particularly difficult situation, I’d give myself a little pep talk and say, “It feels like the hardest thing in the world right now but think about how in an hour’s time, a week’s time, a year’s time, you’d look back on this moment and think that it was nothing at all.”