Hashtag deep, hashtag feelings

I hate to say it, but I’m not at a very good place right now. As I slowly make the scary but inevitable transition into adulthood, I have to find a way to merge the me I see as a student for the last twenty or so years of my life, with this new role as a full-time adult with a full-time job. I thought I’ve built up my self-esteem to a point where it was solid and unshakeable and I’ve convinced myself that I was done with being insecure about my capabilities as well as who I am as a person, but I’m learning to see that maybe that’s a feeling that you can never really get rid off completely.

While I like my job, being on contract puts me on shaky ground and I start questioning every single thing that I do. Am I doing enough? Am I making a difference? Could they do without me? My boss has brought up converting me to full-time and I’m always included in conversations concerning the future of the team but there’s always this nagging doubt that one wrong move could easily turn that around. I want to get comfortable but at the same time, I get so anxious and afraid. It’s…not the best feeling. It’s a little reminiscent of when I first started university and I was just plagued with so much self-doubt, being surrounded by peers who were so good at what they were doing that it made me feel like I didn’t belong.

Thankfully, I met up with a good friend on Friday and I’m just really, really grateful to have someone like her on my side. I laid out all my insecurities and self-doubt for her to see and it probably wasn’t a pretty sight. But she’s one of the realest I know and she talked me through a lot of it. I guess when it comes down to it, I’m a little hard on myself and I tend to overthink things. It’s an uphill battle trying to overcome this anxiety, but I’m a firm believer that everything gets better with time. Sometimes if I’m facing a particularly difficult situation, I’d give myself a little pep talk and say, “It feels like the hardest thing in the world right now but think about how in an hour’s time, a week’s time, a year’s time, you’d look back on this moment and think that it was nothing at all.”

All plans and no follow through

I’ve got a ton of posts in my drafts and I make plans to write about so many things, but then I procrastinate, and then time passes, rendering them all irrelevant in my mind. I’ve barely posted about all the places I visited while on exchange in 2014, when I travelled to Jeju, Geoje, Tongyeong and also Japan. So many beautiful places and experiences I never wrote about! Then I swore to myself I’d do better and update when I went to Korea again earlier this year. That so didn’t happen… I even brought my laptop there and everything!!

I think the problem with me is that I don’t know how to edit. When I get all absorbed writing a thing, I get so into it and I end up going on and on until it becomes this monster of a post. It’s too long to finish in one go so I vow to continue it another time, but that usually never happens so I end up with a bunch of 1000-word essays that never see the light of day.

So I realise it’s probably best to do my life updates in point form so here I go:

1) I finally have a full-time job!!! After I was done with FYP, I started freelance writing for Mediacorp whilst also doing part-time work at Jurong Regional Library as an Assistant Library Officer (lol that makes it sound so much cooler than what it actually is. Basically I (wo)man the customer service counter for a measly hourly wage). During this time, I was still looking for a job but I think I was being too picky / not trying hard enough because I wasn’t hearing back from anywhere. Anyway, point is, I heard about this position from a friend, applied, and 3 days later, I started work as a Marketing Executive for this company. I’m currently on a three-month contract so we’ll see how that goes. Fingers crossed, because I really enjoy what I’m doing so far!

2) I went to Korea again in August for like… 4 days. Short because I wasn’t working full-time then and had only about $1000 saved up for this trip. But the main aim was to go for 2 days of Elysium. It was something I’ve been thinking about ever since the concert was announced but when I couldn’t get tickets, I was like aww shucks, I guess it’s not meant to be. But then one week before the concert, Cindy was like Should we go? and I was still a little torn until finally, I was like, you know what, YOLO and so we got our tickets from some Starlights on Twitter, booked our flights and our accommodation and off we went.

Yes, I totally get that it’s kinda crazy to fly all the way to another country just for a concert but at the same time, I felt like I would have regretted it if I didn’t? If you thought the K-pop concert experience in Singapore’s good, wait till you see your faves on their home ground. They’re so relaxed and comfortable on stage, and the banter with the fans comes so naturally since it’s all in Korean. The sets also look so much more grand. It’s just a whole different experience! I really don’t regret it because at this stage in my life where I’m at, I don’t have to worry about bills and mortgage yet, so VIXX is something that I’m willing to indulge in on such a level. They bring me happiness and supporting them makes me feel good so that’s what I’ll do until there comes a time when my priorities shift and I have to reassess the way I spend my money. I’ve seen VIXX so many times this year and I still miss them. LOL *whines sadly about my first world problems*

3) I’ve started watching RuPaul’s Drag Race again since All Stars Season 2 has been airing and honestly, we need to have words, Show. Ru changed it up this season so that instead of the bottom 2 having to lipsync for their lives to stay, the Top 2 would lipsync to win $10,000 each week and then the winner would have the added responsibility of sending someone from the bottom home. I like that the queens (minus Phi Phi) this season are goodhearted people and genuinely nice to each other but come on, this isn’t RuPaul’s Best Friend Race!!! It’s honestly pissing me off how the good ones are being sent home week after week in favour of friendship (R.I.P my queens Tatianna and Alyssa). I swear to god, if Roxxy stays over Katya, I will burn with the rage of a thousand suns. #TeamKatya

Ok, I guess my point form is kind of a cheat since it’s basically 4 full paragraphs that I’ve ordered into a numbered list… Told you I suck at cutting down on words.