Hashtag deep, hashtag feelings

I hate to say it, but I’m not at a very good place right now. As I slowly make the scary but inevitable transition into adulthood, I have to find a way to merge the me I see as a student for the last twenty or so years of my life, with this new role as a full-time adult with a full-time job. I thought I’ve built up my self-esteem to a point where it was solid and unshakeable and I’ve convinced myself that I was done with being insecure about my capabilities as well as who I am as a person, but I’m learning to see that maybe that’s a feeling that you can never really get rid off completely.

While I like my job, being on contract puts me on shaky ground and I start questioning every single thing that I do. Am I doing enough? Am I making a difference? Could they do without me? My boss has brought up converting me to full-time and I’m always included in conversations concerning the future of the team but there’s always this nagging doubt that one wrong move could easily turn that around. I want to get comfortable but at the same time, I get so anxious and afraid. It’s…not the best feeling. It’s a little reminiscent of when I first started university and I was just plagued with so much self-doubt, being surrounded by peers who were so good at what they were doing that it made me feel like I didn’t belong.

Thankfully, I met up with a good friend on Friday and I’m just really, really grateful to have someone like her on my side. I laid out all my insecurities and self-doubt for her to see and it probably wasn’t a pretty sight. But she’s one of the realest I know and she talked me through a lot of it. I guess when it comes down to it, I’m a little hard on myself and I tend to overthink things. It’s an uphill battle trying to overcome this anxiety, but I’m a firm believer that everything gets better with time. Sometimes if I’m facing a particularly difficult situation, I’d give myself a little pep talk and say, “It feels like the hardest thing in the world right now but think about how in an hour’s time, a week’s time, a year’s time, you’d look back on this moment and think that it was nothing at all.”

All plans and no follow through

I’ve got a ton of posts in my drafts and I make plans to write about so many things, but then I procrastinate, and then time passes, rendering them all irrelevant in my mind. I’ve barely posted about all the places I visited while on exchange in 2014, when I travelled to Jeju, Geoje, Tongyeong and also Japan. So many beautiful places and experiences I never wrote about! Then I swore to myself I’d do better and update when I went to Korea again earlier this year. That so didn’t happen… I even brought my laptop there and everything!!

I think the problem with me is that I don’t know how to edit. When I get all absorbed writing a thing, I get so into it and I end up going on and on until it becomes this monster of a post. It’s too long to finish in one go so I vow to continue it another time, but that usually never happens so I end up with a bunch of 1000-word essays that never see the light of day.

So I realise it’s probably best to do my life updates in point form so here I go:

1) I finally have a full-time job!!! After I was done with FYP, I started freelance writing for Mediacorp whilst also doing part-time work at Jurong Regional Library as an Assistant Library Officer (lol that makes it sound so much cooler than what it actually is. Basically I (wo)man the customer service counter for a measly hourly wage). During this time, I was still looking for a job but I think I was being too picky / not trying hard enough because I wasn’t hearing back from anywhere. Anyway, point is, I heard about this position from a friend, applied, and 3 days later, I started work as a Marketing Executive for this company. I’m currently on a three-month contract so we’ll see how that goes. Fingers crossed, because I really enjoy what I’m doing so far!

2) I went to Korea again in August for like… 4 days. Short because I wasn’t working full-time then and had only about $1000 saved up for this trip. But the main aim was to go for 2 days of Elysium. It was something I’ve been thinking about ever since the concert was announced but when I couldn’t get tickets, I was like aww shucks, I guess it’s not meant to be. But then one week before the concert, Cindy was like Should we go? and I was still a little torn until finally, I was like, you know what, YOLO and so we got our tickets from some Starlights on Twitter, booked our flights and our accommodation and off we went.

Yes, I totally get that it’s kinda crazy to fly all the way to another country just for a concert but at the same time, I felt like I would have regretted it if I didn’t? If you thought the K-pop concert experience in Singapore’s good, wait till you see your faves on their home ground. They’re so relaxed and comfortable on stage, and the banter with the fans comes so naturally since it’s all in Korean. The sets also look so much more grand. It’s just a whole different experience! I really don’t regret it because at this stage in my life where I’m at, I don’t have to worry about bills and mortgage yet, so VIXX is something that I’m willing to indulge in on such a level. They bring me happiness and supporting them makes me feel good so that’s what I’ll do until there comes a time when my priorities shift and I have to reassess the way I spend my money. I’ve seen VIXX so many times this year and I still miss them. LOL *whines sadly about my first world problems*

3) I’ve started watching RuPaul’s Drag Race again since All Stars Season 2 has been airing and honestly, we need to have words, Show. Ru changed it up this season so that instead of the bottom 2 having to lipsync for their lives to stay, the Top 2 would lipsync to win $10,000 each week and then the winner would have the added responsibility of sending someone from the bottom home. I like that the queens (minus Phi Phi) this season are goodhearted people and genuinely nice to each other but come on, this isn’t RuPaul’s Best Friend Race!!! It’s honestly pissing me off how the good ones are being sent home week after week in favour of friendship (R.I.P my queens Tatianna and Alyssa). I swear to god, if Roxxy stays over Katya, I will burn with the rage of a thousand suns. #TeamKatya

Ok, I guess my point form is kind of a cheat since it’s basically 4 full paragraphs that I’ve ordered into a numbered list… Told you I suck at cutting down on words.

Until we feel alright

I’m really so blessed to have grown up on music like Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco, bands who even after 10, 15 years in the industry are still making waves. To be able to see how much their sound has matured and changed over the years, and to see the way they’re influencing a whole new generation of teenagers with their music… is just indescribable. I mean, that was me, not too long ago (give or take 10 years, ahem), sitting at home and putting A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out on repeat, listening to demos on my crappy old Zen, and feeling like I’m part of my own little club. Listening to them again now definitely takes me back to that time.

Since their formation in 2004, Panic! has whittled down to two members and finally, now, just the one. Can I just say, I am living for Brendon’s energy onstage? Holy, backflip. It always makes me smile when performers look like they’re having the time of their lives on stage. Oh, just another day, getting paid to do what I love~

Eye can’t believe this

The strangest thing happened to me this morning. It all started when I woke up with a start at 9am when my McDonald’s surprise alarm rang and I realised I was going to be late for work. I quickly washed up and hurried to put on my contacts but then saw that they weren’t in the case. Where could they have been? The last time I put them on was on Thursday, when I had work. Could I have thrown them away? But there was still more than a week left to the end of the month! What a waste. Nevermind, no time to ponder. Moving on. I grabbed a new pair from the box, figured I’d put them on before work and rushed out of the house to catch my uber ride.

The whole time in the car I was looking out the window, feeling totally stumped because there’s no way I would’ve thrown the lenses away, not when the month wasn’t even up. And then… as I looked out at street signs, I realised that I had no issues making out all the words and oh my god, even license plate numbers were suddenly clear as day. What’s happening to me? Could this be the work of divine intervention? Did I suddenly have 20/20 eyesight? Was this like the time my brother broke his glasses in a boating incident and miraculously developed perfect eyesight and didn’t need glasses anymore?

With my heart pounding, I whipped out my mirror to double check… only to find… that my contacts were in my eyes. They were in my eyes ALL ALONG. I cannot even begin to describe how unbelievable this is. I mean, that would mean I haven’t taken them out since I first put them in on Thursday, THREE WHOLE DAYS AGO. Seriously, what in the world?! What were these magic contact lenses and why have my eyes not shrivelled up and fallen out of my sockets yet? Could I have woken up today in a daze and put on my contacts without realising? I don’t even know. Weird day.

So here’s the tea

Sometime late last year, I got completely hooked on RuPaul’s Drag Race, after watching a long clip of Adore Delano‘s best moments from Season 6. I watched the clip of Adore expecting nothing, but since then, I think I’ve watched it at least 3-4 times, I just adore Adore so much. She’s a queen. She’s hilarious, charming, so beautiful and confident, and always, always keeping it real. Love her. She actually did a show at Tab in February last year, and I’m kinda upset I never knew about it, or even if I did, I probably wouldn’t have been interested either.

“It is a competition but you don’t have to sabotage anybody on the way there.” – Adore Delano

Drag wasn’t something I knew much about but after this clip, it made me curious to find out more about this whole new world that I was so unfamiliar with. There are so many misconceptions about drag and drag queens, and coming from a third person’s point-of-view, I’m not exactly the best person to educate but I’m so fascinated about the art of it all – it’s not just about a bunch of guys putting on pretty glittery dresses and trying to pass off as girls, it’s about the performance of it, the character and the story behind their drag, the amount of effort and commitment that goes into it. Everyone has their own reasons for doing drag, and that’s the beauty of it, really.

8-RuPauls-Drag-Race-Season-8

With that said, Season 8 just started and like with any reality competition, I already have my favourites. This is the first season I’m watching fully because I only watched behind-the-scenes and ‘best of’ clips of the previous two seasons on YouTube. Season 6 was awesome because you’ve got huge personalities and talents like Bianca Del Rio and Adore Delano, and I guess Season 7 was lacklustre in comparison because the queens weren’t as funny or memorable. I did love how cool and laidback Pearl was and Violet Chachki‘s looks were always spot on. Plus, those two were hands down some of the prettiest queens I’ve seen on the show.

“I have too much class to be trying to tell somebody that they don’t deserve to be in the Top 3. I’ll tell you why I deserve to be in the Top 3, I’m not gonna like, throw someone under the bus and try to tell you why you don’t deserve this.” – Pearl Liaison

We’re two episodes into the new season and already, I have had it with Acid Betty. She’s fierce and she consistently turns it out but I hate people who don’t show any respect for others because they think they’re more superior. I remember the first challenge in Episode 1 was to do a photoshoot with the past winners and she was all sarcastic about it during her personal interview, “Yes, RuPaul, very intimidating…sitting next to these wannabe-ass drag queens…” And when she was told that she was blocking Sharon Needles in the shot, she actually replied out loud, “Well. Then she should move.” …Rude.

These are past WINNERS you’re talking about, queens who’ve all proven themselves already and this is literally your first challenge since stepping onto the show. That’s just not the right attitude to have. It’s good to be confident about yourself, but there’s no reason to put others down in order to make yourself look better. So even though the judges constantly have praise for her drag, if you’re a shitty person inside, sooner or later that’s just gonna come back and bite you in the ass and you’ll have no one to blame for it but yourself. Truth.

On the other hand, Kim Chi is possibly the sweetest, cutest little anime thing to ever walk the earth, except maybe minus the little part because she is 6’3. But I just love her LOVE HER LOVE HER. During the same photoshoot in Episode 1, the photographer told her she was blocking one of the queens and she just went, “Oops! Sorry!” and scooted a little in the opposite direction. Adorable. And in Episode 2, she was struggling so much with the team dancing challenge because of her two left feet and felt soooo bad because she didn’t want to let her team down. She ended up in the bottom but still made it a point to comfort the other two girls who were likely gonna lipsync for their lives. Bless her soul. You just can’t help but root for her.

I love that a lot of the drag queens this season seem to be genuinely nice, good-hearted people, who don’t always have it out for the others. Others I like and would like to see more of in the coming episodes are Bob the Drag Queen, Thorgy Thor, Naomi Smalls and Cynthia Lee Fontaine. Argh, is it Tuesday yet?!